I was having a really good day. Food choices were in line and I enjoyed what I had during the day. I came home and had a small dinner before heading out to Tai Chi. Great time at Tai Chi. We are now up to move 14. Then at some point something switched in my brain. I am not sure what it was. I am still trying to analyze my feelings and what happened. I can not pin point exactly when things started to cycle in my brain. It feels like it was a switch, but it might have been a gradual thing over the past couple of days. Finally tonight it came to a head. When it became all about what I could eat before bed. Tonight I binged.
It may not have been as bad calorie wise as I have in the past but a binge is a binge even if the calories are less. For me it is all about the mental state. The hiding of the food. The shame. The disgust. It was all there tonight. Since 8:30 this is what I ate: 7 mini-candy bars, small fries from Rallys, Roasted Wasabi Seaweed, Nacho Chips, and just finished with 2 double cheeseburgers from McDonalds. Cant forget the diet coke from Thornton's to wash it all down. I am sitting here thinking that I almost wish I could throw up. I am also at times thinking about what else in the house. Then the feeling of horror and disgust washes over me. I am feeling an itching under my skin and random thoughts are racing thru my brain. I am going to get a shower and then try to head to bed. Tomorrow is another day.